Lexa here, I am going to try to explain how all this happened, be aware that a lot of trauma was left out on purpose, and all of these developments have happened since we were 2 years old.

Mentally, I have a library in my head called the Library of Theothea. This is how I collect, store and use information. This concept is called a 'Mind Palace' in reading about memory, and also in popular media. I view myself as a person at the front desk in my library who is controlling my physical body. I sit at a desk that has a lectern for books on the left, a parchment screen for visualizing on the right. There is an interface in front of me, kind of like a full computer setup, that I would be seeing out of. That interface is what controls everything body wise. All of my speech, eye movements, actions, etc. come from commands to this terminal. This is what I see when I close my eyes most of the time. There's a west wing and an east wing in my library. The west holds all my knowledge about people, and the east holds all my academics and job knowledge and such. In the back I have an infinite hallway that has file cabinets on either side, and that's where all my memories go, storing a day per 2 file cabinets. There's a city outside and a lighthouse to the right that I can see out a window from my desk, and a mountain range on the left from another window. I know it might sound fantastical or like a storybook, but my library has always run via the laws of science and physics. The library is not some fantastical place exactly short of small magical bits that have explanations and make sense, at least to me. The best comparison that I could make is that the library is my subconscious. It's always been there since I was like 2-4 ish, and for a while, that's how I thought everyone's minds worked. There's also been a lot of objects, or entities or like, reoccurring things in dreams and around me IRL or mentally that have happened all through my life. Things that at this point are what I've been able to identify as really traumatic incidents and negative spots in my life in the past. I viewed these constants in my library and life as just things, just objects. The constants that stood out to me the most are the darkness I had chained in a chair in a room of the library. I have also called that darkness the crying chair girl that I felt that I had to keep gagged. There is also the dragon outside in the mountains that I've talked to as my familiar since I was little. Then the ghostly dog and boy I kept seeing out of the corners of my eyes, who were always the same shape and style every time. Lastly, there's the screen and how it felt like I could magically depict anything I wanted on it and how real that's felt, but the parchment texture overlaying it all no matter what.

I used to consider myself having pretty heavy headspaces, like subspace, pet space, little space, prey space, etc. But lately I've been doing a lot of self introspection and heavy studying into psychology and therapy for these constants mentioned above, that I now know are traumas. Recently, due to help from friends and my own studying, I have been viewing all of these constants in my life a bit differently, which has led to me viewing myself as more plural than originally thought. So I tried to see what it feels like to personify those things and address them as a person would another person. It had never occurred to me to personify them, or try to talk to them like sentient beings, so I said, well, why not. To my surprise, I've been able to actively talk to them and hear voices that to me very clearly feel not to be my own. There weren't any other residents in my library before this year. But now there are. All the constants in my life I mentioned above, those things are actually people. They are head mates, and they have names. Sarah, Sheal, Rusty, Alex, Josh, Aria, Theo, and Thea. From this point on, when I say 'me' or 'I', I mean Lexa, who is who wrote this document.

In the past, anytime multiple or plural talk came up, or anytime mention of DID or less accurate terms like Multiple Personality Disorders came up. I just was like 'I get it, I understand it, but that's not me, I'm not like that'. I felt very in denial or ignorant about how I was. But since this revelation, it's all clicked for me so hard, and has made so much more sense than I ever really thought it would for me. Thinking about it a bit deeper, I guess it feels more like ignorance since the way I viewed Sheal (the dragon), who is the actual oldest of all of them besides Thea. Sheal has been around since I was 4–6 years old, maybe earlier. Thea since I was around 6. I have always been able to communicate with Sheal, not talk exactly kinda like playing mental 20 questions with nods, shakes, and just… indifference for no response. Sheal has talked to me this way for as long as I can remember, but She definitely came after the library existed. If I personify her past being simply a dragon familiar who kept sticking with me for some reason, then She's a full head mate, and always has been for a long time. This is similar for Thea and Theo. Thea is the library, or is a part of it, with Theo kind of being a sibling to an extent. Thea began showing up after I began to read avidly in my childhood. Theo after my first few nightmares. There are also Lexa, who is me, Sarah, Alex, Josh, Aria, and Rusty. I can explain all of them if you ask.

I tend to blend with my other head mates, and have a handful of different circumstances where they will take over instead of me. But usually I am fronting around 60% of the time at least, if not more, I would guess. They typically do not want to front and keep to themselves, and have stated in the past they highly prefer me or Thea or Sheal fronting most of the time. When others are there, I still feel I am me, but just kinda watching and monitoring from a close by location in the library near the desk. Thea, since she is the library itself, is always blended to some 10%-20% range, but can also take over to 100% when situations are right. The best way I could describe how my fronting or switching of head mates works, is that I am the me that I see when I close my eyes, pretty much always. The way how my head mates blend with me feels is a little hard to describe. It feels to me is like somebody joins me at my desk and helps handle everything with me, or they take over to a small extent. For example, I get up from my desk and interface, and they sit there while I am kinda standing over them, or next to them. In the case of the younger members, they might climb up, and I hold them in my lap and help them. But I am able to retake control if needed in any situation that comes up that might need me, or Sheal or Thea. It is very similar to how I used to describe my headspaces as me feeling like somebody else taking over but from 2nd person, as I have said in the past. I'm still very much there, but watching over my own shoulder. Except it's not me, it's my other head mates.

With all of this said, I still feel whole and in sync, I am still me, and always have been. I am typically the library's extreme logical center, not really thinking with emotion most of the time, to the point that the way I see myself in my mind is not human or even realistically an animal. Being able to understand this and having that realization specifically has made a lot of other things I kept having trouble explaining about myself to others just click. It feels like this realization about being plural, and having everyone with me, has helped me. This epiphany I've had while identifying all my trauma, and understanding this facet about myself, makes me feel that I don't need to search anymore to find some sort of understanding or happiness coming from others. I feel happy and complete, and have felt probably better about my mental state now than I have at any time in the past. Thank you for reading all the way through this. You can say you have your library card now, and others who know should know what that means in regard to me. ❤️